I Can Read Your Feelings Toward Me

Intuition as strong as mine can be a bitch. Most of the time it’s a great gift. I can tell when my grandson is upset. I know when people in my life need support because I can feel their distress. I know when someone wants company, and when they don’t.

Those who do not possess strong intuition will think me crazy and paranoid. But those who do will completely understand.

As a police officer, my intuitive “spidey” sense saved me more than once. I could sometimes amaze and amuse others with its accuracy by knowing what someone was about to do or say.

My husband and I have had fights about what he was thinking. He hates that but knows if I pay attention I can “read” him.

But I also know when someone doesn’t like me. And quite a few people don’t.

I used to be loved by everyone. I was a fluffy (chubby) little girl my teacher characterized as “timid”. My mom didn’t agree though, even then .Growing up I was liked by almost everyone in my small hometown.

Then I moved away, widened my horizons, worked in government, politics and the media, and developed big loud left-leaning political opinions.

Now I’ve moved “home” to be near my 90-year-old mother and to raise my teenage grandson. Unfortunately, since this is a conservative bastion, I’m no longer a good fit.

And a lot of people don’t like me. I’m an inconvenient citizen; full of questions and opinions. I lack respect for the status quo.

People are polite, but I know if they’ve been reading my Facebook page or what I write here and post elsewhere. I can feel their reactions, no matter how nicely they treat me. And most of their reactions are not complimentary. Or even civil.

I’ve had the same experience when, in my work life, I was the boss. And in the political arena where I had the audacity to get elected after running against four men.

I could literally feel the animosity behind the smiles and handshakes from men, although there was nothing to outwardly indicate anything but good will.

As a member of the media I quite often encountered individuals who had reasons to fear exposure. They would try to act as if they wanted me to be their best friend. They’d invite me to dinners and all sorts of events; but if I went it was hard to enjoy it while feeling the fear, resentment, and distrust they harbored toward me.

I once had a person in my life who needed to be friends with me in order to stay connected to someone else, who loved me. That person showered me with sweetness, gifts, and acts of true kindness. But I was always awkward and embarrassed around them because I could tell how fake it was. Later that hatred was unveiled and everyone was so surprised.

Not me. I felt it every time I was in that person’s presence.

I feel it acutely anytime someone really dislikes me, no matter what they say and do.

I also feel it when someone truly likes or loves me. That’s the best part of intuition — knowing when it’s both good and real — and that’s the best feeling in the world.

Even so, I’d rather not feel people’s naked emotions toward me; at least not so keenly that it makes my heart skip or sends shivers down my spine.

I have been around people who are evil. No matter the circumstances, the overwhelming and pervasive darkness of their thoughts smothered and sickened me. I have experienced the vibes, energy, desire — whatever one wants to call it — emanating from someone who would like to kill me or others.

I’m guess I’m grateful for my intuition most of the time. But it’s a drag when it lets me know someone I thought was fond of me very definitely is not.

It must have been something I said.

Former print journalist, former mayor, retired law enforcement officer. Writing about politics and government along with random personal essays.

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